The Quest

The Quest #3: infinite revolutions on a star

Schwarz Bruder

09 Oct 2023 — 14 min read

The Quest #3

I'm miles away from where I need to be, both mentally and physically. I'm not prepared for this upcoming race but I'm going to keep training in the small ways that I can and show up. The lesson I've learned is that you can't live your life in two different directions - pick the one that feels right and deal with the nervousness, indecision and self-doubt. It's unavoidable either way so you might as well just pick a path that feels right and embrace the suck.

I'm getting to the other side of this race and I'll keep on keeping on!

September 5th to October 3rd, 2023

Runs: 5

Most Recent Run: 10/02/2023

Longest Run: 3.5 Miles/50 Minutes

Average Run: 3 Miles

Race Date: 10/14/2023 - Half Marathon (13.1 Miles)

Yoga Sessions: 23

Longest Session: 18 minutes

Average Session: 16 minutes

Most Recent Session: 10/02/2023

Lift Sessions: N/A

Most Recent Session: N/A

Latest Stats: N/A

Photos

Here's a collection of pictures from this month.

Training Log

September 5th, 2023

It's the day after Labor Day here in the United States. Nice long holiday weekend. Training's been decent in the last week - longer yoga sessions and got another 7 Minute Workout in. I honestly feel like it's a great in-betweener exercise - it does feel like it works all of my muscles evenly and I feel it the next day. Still haven't run a step yet but screw it, this is the week to change that. Work is feeling blah. I really do need to move on ASAP or find the heart to radically change so much. This is one of the things that's messed me up - I've become stagnant and so the idea of change becomes harder to deal with. It's funny - my life was constantly unstable so nothing ever bothered me (or rather, it appeared unstable to me). But now that I have some comfort and control, change feels harder. Important life lesson to keep summoning to the front of my mind when things aren't feeling too good. Change is inevitable and you've got to be ready to keep evolving with the changes.

September 11th, 2023

The boy done did it! First run of this project. It was horrible. I lasted 2.2 miles I think. Took plenty of breaks, honestly thought I was going down at several points. Rookie mistakes: ran at 3pm when it was 100+ degrees, didn't have a route with any shade, and the years of abuse to my lungs has made them pretty weak, despite my usual walks and yoga. Well, we ride again. 13 miles is looking pretty far - we're around 30 days to go, but I'm just going to keep pushing.

September 12th, 2023

See a pattern in the time of these logs? At this point in the day, I've done my morning routine - meditation, breathwork, yoga (20 minutes today!). I'm still mostly sane and good at this point. But as per every three weeks, I'm at the edge of another transformation. Just finished Fresh Off the Boat by Eddie Huang. Great book and a great inspiration about cutting your own path in life. It's given me confidence to keep pushing on this crazy ass idea. I have faith in what it could be, so I'm going to keep feeding the fire.

September 13th, 2023

The pattern continues. Out of allergy medication today.

The lack of fucks to give is tremendous. But I've got a mountain of debt over my head, so I better find a couple fucks quickly.

Here's the positive - I'm going to pursue a 'creative' job next. I was afraid to go that route before but now I'm looking at all of these different mediums of creativity that are successfully finding an audience and a route to success so screw it, I'll do the same. And it's not just watching kids on YouTube pop off and get rich, I'm realizing the written word in every form has been one of the best ways to earn a living as a 'creative' - whether it's books, music lyrics, magazine articles and so on.

Fresh Off the Boat really inspired me to really keep pushing forward on my own path and have the courage to see it through to the end. I'll aim for another run today to keep the fire burning. Also I've picked my spirit animal: the tiger.

Cornball alert!

I know but I'm really feeling that tiger spirit lately, you know? Like I dig the idea of my spirit animal being a dragon, but I don't feel like I'm on that dragon mindset yet. I'm in between a sloth and a fat blind cat. So baby steps, try to embody one of the greatest apex predators on the planet. I know this sounds weird but I'm feeling my weirdness for once, so I'll just keep talking from the heart.

It's raining right now. I love the rain so I'm taking it as a sign from the gods to go after another run and keep training. Anything to get out of this beat up body moving. And another plus - I had only one smoke today. But that's only because it's been one of those 'searching for roaches on the back patio to smoke the leftovers' type days. Since I'm out of medication for real this time, so I'm going to push myself to find joys in other ways. I'm freaking fired up!!!

Though I will say, did some math on the economics of this project and will need to figure some shit out. Making money is a distant dream. But the general framework continues to grow stronger as I spend more clear-headed time during my day. And I'll say this even though all objects are only temporary illusions like all of reality; I've finally got my next car picked out!! Well, sort of. And I'm beyond dead broke right now, so once I exit this pit I can actually dare to dream. But I've decided. Beyond a car, beyond this project, I'm starting to create a vision of my future that I'm going to just try and succeed with. I spent so much of the last few years just caught in my feelings, which was good in many ways, but it's time for the next move. It's still hazy, but at least I'm going to take the next steps forward with 100% ownership of the outcome. Wow! And this is before the run.

September 15th, 2023

Back at it again with the AM update. Had an awful presentation yesterday - the kind where you forget what you're saying mid-sentence, you're profusely sweating, and you've just lost the lead. I was presenting an automation project I'd been working on for years, but man I just couldn't make it a good presentation. And this is after not smoking for a few days and writing up very detailed notes. Still blew it. One of those calls where they try to move past whatever spaz attack I went through for 20 minutes. Ugh. But I'm proud that my junior coworker did a million times better than me. And here's the fucked up part - I've been here before, but on the other side of the equation. I was the young upstart, looking at my older partner on my team going man! how can you suck this bad? But I later learned he was going through a lot in all aspects of life, and honestly I had very little empathy so I just didn't recognize what was up. Now here I am on the other side, and damn it stings. You see how not good you are, it's like you're moving in slow motion and everyone else is speeding ahead.

But the pain was healthy, it made me realize that I probably have hit rock bottom without realizing it. I'm grateful that there aren't worse things happening to me, but this is rock bottom. There's this "lamp" versus "laser" concept with how people concrete. The laser is really what you need, but the lamp is sort of the default mindset. I had a laser several years ago, built up from years of working hard to get out of being broke, but it's absolutely become dull, empty, a husk of it's former self. Presenting to my bosses was another way to see that. One of the yogic principles is to accept pain as help for purification, and man did that help. I'm still having the urges to use but at the same time I MUST admit the focus and clarity is returning to me. And at the end of the day I need to have faith that staying clean, going down this path, is far more valuable than getting ripped in the short term. Immediate pleasure becomes poison sooner or later. So - the presentation was really bad, but the lesson I learned was to be humbled by that failure and work harder. You know the deal.

Got a 2nd run in too, which is great. 3+ miles. Pushing for another run today, it's raining cats and dogs but god willing I can get another 3, maybe 4 miles out of the system today. To be continued.

September 26th, 2023

That magic time for writing, I guess. Been 11 days since the last update - a lot has happened. Got about 4 runs in over the last few days which is great - most mileage was 4+. Still a long way to go but I'm building up the lung capacity again. Went home for another wedding and did a lot of reflecting. My main feeling: I am so grateful to my mom and everyone out there grinding for their kids and making a better life for themselves.

I feel more confident than ever about this adventure and idea. I kind of realized I have this energy, this fire in me, and I've struggled with controlling it my whole life. Since I never played sports as a kid I didn't understand how much hard exercise can help control that fire, and since I was so stubborn and in my feelings I never tried beyond a few days of sports here and there. Discipline is a part of controlling that fire as well. Constantly taking allergy medication was a cheat code to take that fire and energy out of my body. When I'm clearheaded for a few days, I feel this incredible surge of energy flowing through me constantly, to the point where I need to run or I'd go crazy. Then I can calm the monkey mind down enough to meditate and find my calm center. Again, it's all obvious, but so much was swirling around my head that I had a hard time concentrating.

It's a bit silly to say but watching a lot of One Piece has inspired some of my returning courage. The main character, Luffy, has a dream to be king of the pirates. The idea of 'pirate' is about true freedom, and he embodies that spirit and also uses his abilities to light that fire in others.

September 28th, 2023

It's bout that time...

No yoga session this AM. Moon was crazy bright last night and it was absolutely glorious. Let the dog out to pee at around 3am and it looked like the middle of the day. Didn't sleep too well, but that's because I was fucking around on my phone, scrolling through the same dumb websites that I look at during the day, looking for something. I never can find that something, but I still look. On news sites, sometimes I hope it's the 'big one': the world is finally freaking ending! I think we all have that desire in the back of our heads. Maybe just me.

Read the latest JoJoLands last night (chapter 8) and gosh darn Araki has done it again. Such a good storyteller. There are so many overdramatic moments but he can make the most mundane scenes explode with tension and intrigue. JoJoLands is the ninth part of a story that Araki has been telling for over 30 years - how wild is that?! Think of something like American Horror Story - each part of the story is connected, but not 100% directly so you can enjoy the story as you please. New characters, new locations, just connected by the common thread of 'weird shit keeps popping off with these characters but it's always epic'.

October 2nd, 2023

Oh fuck. The race is 12 days away and I am certainly not prepared enough for it. I was always a Last Minute Larry at school but don't think I'll get away with it this time. We're going to be in overtime for the next 12 days. That said, this the last update of the chapter. The next time you see a post from Sendō, it'll be on the other side of a half marathon. Oh fuck.

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