The Quest

The Quest #5: Here We Go Again

Schwarz Bruder

14 Dec 2023 — 10 min read

The Quest #5: Here We Go Again

A pretty lazy month. Ran under 5 times this month. That ain't champion mentality. I let the yum-yum put me back in a trance again. But the positives - I did a few community runs. One was a 'Turkey Trot' type event - basically a citywide run for charity on Thanksgiving morning. It was a ton of fun and again showed me how there are so many different types of runners out there all kicking ass, and it showed me the beauty of the running community. I was an outsider during my formative years, so it just felt easier to just reject the idea of being part of a group. But as I get older I recognize the power and necessity of community - even if you're a lone wolf, being with others is what helps you grow and improve. The 2nd community run was a 'trail of lights' deal. There's a road here in town that they completely decorate in all sorts of beautiful Christmas lights, and at 6 in the morning, dozens of runners gathered to get after it. The race organizers even blessed the land with some help from the Native American homies. Only 3 miles or so but another great example of community. The pursuit of this quest doesn't have to be solo.

So here's the recap for this chapter: stats suck but my heart opened up a bit more. That's got to count for something, right?

November 7th to December 12, 2023

Running

Number of Runs: 3

Longest Run: 4 miles / 50.3 minutes

Average Run: 3.05 miles / 39.25 minutes

Ashtanga Yoga

Yoga Sessions: 19

Longest Session: 15 minutes

Average Session: 12 minutes

Strength Training

HIIT Sessions: 2

5x5 Lifting Sessions: 1

11/7/2023

Sent out chapter #4 today. I'm feeling that by chapter #6 I'll get a strong grip on the format and feel for it all. Biggest hurdles right now is how to present the Status page and highlighting metrics for each chapter in a better way. General vibe is coming together. Got a cool shirt idea too, I think that'll be the flagship one for the brand. Ideally want to launch with 4-5 shirts as a way for folks to support the business and express some more creative ideas.

11/8/2023

Having some technical issues getting the blog ready - it's a bit frustrating. Sometimes you follow all the documents and everything you've tried still doesn't make any damn sense. Going to just work on what I can and if I can't figure it out before the end of this month, I'm asking for help.

At the end of the day, I really have hit that wall where each smoke and each YouTube video feels less enjoyable. The pointlessness of it all is really shining through clearly. I'm far from living right, but at least the dumb choices I was making are crystal clear. I'm a little anxious, a little nervous - I've managed to stay in a holding pattern the last few years, and like every year with money, there's some battles you win and lose. I'm feeling a bit psyched out when I look at the big picture - how far I am from the right track and being able to help my friends and family. But I know staying zonked and being depressed ain't going to get me anywhere. So even though I'm struggling with all of these confusing technical issues, you won't break me AWS Certificate Manager.

11/15/2023

Out of supply again, facing the demon of my repressed emotions again. I think I can win this time. Domain stuff still isn't working but in the last few days I made a ton of great progress on the blog. Each core page is coming together nicely, and just need to keep refining these chapters and the About page. My soft launch is still looking good! Just need someone to read all of this manic stuff I've written and get their feedback.

11/20/2023

Signed up for the 3M Half Marathon. January 21st I believe. Let the second dance begin. Here's the course map:

Got an afternoon lift in. I've decided this is one of the best ways I can tackle my lazy behavior - the lifting gets good energy pumping in my veins. When I think back on the most successful periods of my life, getting a daily workout in was a good component. I've been keeping up with daily yoga, but seriously committing to a lift every other day or so is crucial. I've done a few lifts in the last few weeks, going to keep up the momentum. And if you're re-reading these words in the future feeling off kilter - remember that lifting helps!! Beat back the internal demons with some heavy metal and bench presses. Food for the soul.

11/21/2023

Man, I'm dreading what has become a relatively easy job. The things I'm being asked to do are not that complicated or drawn out, but my motivation for this has gone to nearly zero. What's the beating heart of my life, though? I'm gunning to pay off my credit cards soon, but then I don't have a car, so the amount of debt is actually going to go up. It's frustrating. Truthfully I'm putting a lot of my deep down hopes into this thing, but I don't know if it'll work at the scale I'm hoping, and if it'll happen in the next year. But nothing else looks good. But the more time I'm 100%, the earlier I'm going to bed and having less noise and nonsense flood my brain - the stronger I get. But even without hope, I'll keep moving forward. What else is there, right?

11/24/2023

Did a Turkey Trot 5 miler yesterday. Thousands of people, so couldn't develop good pace but it was a great community event. It's great to see people of all ages and walks of life coming together in one activity. There were so many volunteers and supporters as well, and good chunks of the city streets were blocked off for runners. It was nice seeing the roads you normally drive on in a different context - everything looks so much bigger up close and even half a mile feels long. Parking was stressful as these things always are, but looking forward to next year to do a better job with planning.

It's a bit cheesy, but I put together a vision board as well - got a cork board and printed out my goal car, the goals for this project, and it's where I'll be saving all of my trinkets from these races like race bibs and entry tickets.

11/27/2023

Went to a beautiful wedding over the weekend. I've been to a lot of weddings in the last few years after the pandemic - some are OK, some are amazing; some I barely know anybody, some I recognize someone at every table. This was one of the best I had attended even though I literally only knew the bridge and the groom. It was a wonderful experience; great food, music, dancing, and speeches where you could feel and see the love. It was wonderful. And eye-opening too: I saw (again) how much harder I need to keep pushing myself to be something great for myself and others.

11/30/2023

Been getting up early since the weather's changed. I'm grateful for it - I like doing my morning routine of breathwork, meditation and yoga when it's nice and dark. Just my private moment in the world. Rainy day here. Some people hate rainy days, but I've always loved them an introvert. The lightness and cool refreshing feeling in the air. The sensation of being struck by raindrops. The silence of the world that opens up.

Having eye pains. Like the sucker's real blurry and feels like it's gonna pop out of my head. A few years ago I had surgery on my eye. The surgery restored vision pretty well, but the doctors warned me it wasn't the best option. And maybe due to the allergy medication, the lack of exercise, the constant screen time- the eye's starting to act up on me again. I got LASIK so I no longer needed glasses to navigate the world. But this again....I'm scared. You've only got two eyes and surgery isn't futuristic enough just to pop new eye back in and surgery to fix the eyes is very complex. Just my luck I guess, I was always so proud that I'd never broken a bone or anything as a kid, but this...this is scary too.

12/5/2023

First December update! Wow. Barely ran at all this month, shame on me. But funny enough did 2 community runs. Never did that before, so feels like something is changing. I'm growing up a bit in the end. Can't be selfish forever.

12/6/2023

Ran out of allergy medication again. I always do this to myself. I think I'll be strong enough to just live with the stuff in my house and use my willpower not to use it, but reality is that I'm not strong enough yet. Keeping any distractions out of my house is the best option. Even re-deleted Instagram again off my phone - I know it ain't gonna do much for me. Another thing I try to do is stay off of my phone in the middle of the night - often times the dog has to pee at like 3am, so that's a moment that I'm up for a little bit. But now I resist the urge to get caught up the screen again. And when my monkey brain starts to act up in the middle of the night, I use my mantra to lull myself back to sleep.

At any rate, here we go again! Got a small run in this AM, 2.9 miles or so. Hurt like a B, so it's a reminder that use it or lose it, right?

Now here comes the dance - what to do with all of this newfound time and clarity. I'm just going to keep pushing myself to work on this project. Hopefully that gives me the motivation and interest to sort through all of my other problems.

12/11/2023

Had a decent run yesterday - just at 4 miles. Running does suck. I mean there's that moment after like 3 miles where the 'ugh this is a grind' feeling goes away and after that's it's just pure mental warfare. I kind of dig it, but I still give up earlier than I should.

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