The Quest #6: Union

The Quest #6

Finished my first real half-marathon!!! Last one was a trail race, this one was the 3M Austin Half. Learned a ton and very happy that I was able to complete it. I wasn't able to "attack" the course at full throttle, but I'm still proud of this accomplishment. Came out to just under 3 hours. A true monster time would be under 2 hours, so there's work to be done. Better than my last time by about 15%, though that was a trail run.

My #1 feeling is - god damn a marathon is gonna be hard. Felt good up until Mile 10, just like the last race. Mentally getting through that limit will be key.

My #2 feeling - it takes a village to make all of this possible. Grateful to the volunteers, the cheerers-on and everyone else.

My #3 feeling - this lil body ain't gonna be ready for ultras if I don't take the time to dial in my health - getting the best nutrients to produce epic results.

December 13, 2023 to January 29, 2024

12/18/2023

Got off to a strong start for this chapter/month. Done about 3 runs so far, a couple HIIT sessions and building back up momentum for yoga sessions. It's time for escape velocity. Had a milestone birthday recently which put a lot of life in perspective. Time to get after it.

12/20/2023

Back home for the holidays. Stressed but hey - feeling positive too. It's probably the only time of year I can't completely close myself off to life as I normally do. I don't want to be around others. I just want to be left alone. That's why it's so painful. I live like a wild animal and this is when I'm 'forced' to just be. No screens, no distractions, nada. Actually trying to connect and reconnect. But I can't deny that my heart hasn't been in it, but I can't keep running. The conflict makes me feel so low. How I feel and what's right. I feel uncomfortable living normally. What's up with that?

Well, here's to last minute Christmas shopping. I've got a few things to get sorted out. Five days 'till isn't too bad, right?

12/22/2023

Cold AF here compared to Texas. Still aiming for a run later today. Coming home is always bittersweet, but coming back to see family is a reminder that I need to keep pushing myself. The people around us motivate us. I knew that of course, but didn't really feel it until I had to travel an extreme distance to go home and see my family. Not a Christmas guy so it's always a downer time of year for me, but seeing family is always good at least.

The other thing - I'm realizing how lucky I am at this moment to have the freedom to create a project like this and have the freedom to self-explore. When I go home I realize how much everyone is suffering and I realize that maybe I'm not the only one that can help them out of it, I have the clarity and the ability to push myself and try to help others. Point being - I can't waste time any more. Turning 30 was a huge landmark, and I have to use the skills I've used to reach even higher. I don't 100% believe in myself yet but I have faith that this path I'm going on is going to liberate myself and my family. Or at least open the path. That's why I'm going to commit to this. I've only got 57% battery left on my computer and I have no charger, so I'm going to commit to getting Sendō as close to ready today. I hope to update you later today that I've accomplished this project. Let's go!!

12/28/2023

Ain't a big fan of Christmastime TBH. Low key get depressed. We weren't exactly broke growing up, but we didn't have enough to make Christmas an exciting time. We were the 'broke' ones in our broader family, so we'd have to watch all of our younger cousins get showered in nice gifts and we'd get some hand-me-downs once they were done with them in the summer - clothes, games, etc. So I'm ornery this time of year. Trying to change that attitude and mindset though. Got a solid run since being in the cold north for the holidays, hoping to get one or two more in before the year is over. Maybe a 5 miler today. Yikes.

I feel like I'm seeing how weak my writing has become due to a lack of daily practice, a lack of studying the craft, and constant substance abuse has made a sharp blade very dull. Going forward I'm going to edit these posts to make them more thoughtful. To start I knew I just needed to word vomit to get the momentum going.

1/02/2024

We're in the endgame now. I've got the dream car picked out for my reasonable price point. I've got the vision for this blog regardless of how it works out. I'm at enough of a rock bottom to want to change on all aspects. Here's to one last hurrah and the adventure that comes next. If it feels like this is the right thing to do, like in my freaking soul or something, it's gotta be right, right?

1/06/2024

Faith. That's what I've got left. I'm afraid I'm about to lose my job and I'm recognizing how much time I've wasted by being afraid, by being trapped in empty patterns. There was healing for a long time with this stuff but eventually I just got scared of the outside world. I'm out of the supply again. But I'm afraid to replace it with wine or something else that'll dull the pain at night. Going to have to go old-school and drink lots of tea. Just stay busy all the time. How else you gonna build an empire? I need to let all of the distractions, the guilt and the fear fade away. I'm not confident in myself or what's coming ahead, but maybe I'll try out faith. I'm scared of being burned by everything: the choices I've made over the last few years. The fear of failure. Of not being great enough, fast enough: that my family won't be around to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Of not knowing what's next in my career. Of not having enough money to free myself or my family from the cycle. In every aspect of my life, because I've been paralyzed. I used the fire of anger and self-hatred to push me along, but after letting go of anger and hate all of those years ago, I never figured out how to let love or something more fill that void. Or to become the void. So cryptic rambling aside, I guess I'm trying to say that I'm going to try this again, at least until the next race.

Currently watching...The Brothers Sun on Netflix.

1/08/2024

So I tried to get this monkey off my back in a different way: eddies. Quitting cold turkey has been tough for me. But I'm realizing I'm trying to quit four things at once: nicotine, THC (Delta 8), constant entertainment and the ritual of it all. With eddies I can beat down the nicotine and the ritual aspect, eventually I'll convert the entertainment and distraction into meaningful action. Then all that's left is to just focus on new ways of being and finding joy each day.

In the real world I've got plenty of work to do, and I got to the first boss of Persona 5 so looking forward to diving into it. Love the Persona series, feels a season of my very own anime. How cool is that? What's even cooler is making your own life feel like an anime?

...That's a pretty unhealthy thought. just going to focus on being.

From a training perspective, I'm feeling good: been keeping up with daily yoga since the beginning of the month which has helped. I'm seriously lacking from a mileage perspective but with this new eddie technique for getting clean, it's less damage on my lungs so I can ease back into feeling good from physical and mental training again.

From a financial perspective I realized I have to get smart too. I got a little money saved up, but instead of putting that down to buy another used 20-year-old luxury car, I'm going to put that into the emergency fund and just keep my head down. I ain't spending a time on another liability until every single debt except them damn student loans is paid off. And even then I'm not going to get a dream car - just something functional. God willing the used Tesla market will continue to crash and that's where I'm pick up a beater in the 20k range. Then ride that into the ground until I can get a Polestar 2 or the Ioniq 6. Both I love the vibe of.

1/09/2024

Yesterday worked pretty well. I waited until after my morning calls and got a decent amount of work done. Was generally out of my system by evening time. Got a good night sleep and did some good reflecting when I was briefly awake during the night. Only looked at the phone once, which did keep me up for a while.

This morning I felt good enough to do 15 minutes of ashtanga yoga, first time I've done more than 12 in a while. Keep this up and I'll be nicotine free for several days, which I think is helping. The irritability is coming from withdrawals from that, so the hope is that I can at least restrict smoking to the weekends, and eventually completely rid it out of my system.

Can't believe the half-marathon is under 2 weeks away...def not enough training done but here's to fighting a bit more each day. And I'm glad that this cycle of quitting isn't tied to pressure from the race, it's my own internal drive to figure out a better way to live. So after the race I feel good that I can avoid smoking during the week and eventually lose the urge to be in a weird state of being.

Currently reading...Born to Run by Christopher McDougall. It's bringing back that feeling of adventure back into my mind and body again. Writing...even if this stuff feels like crap to me, I'm going to keep working at the craft.

1/10/2024

Got another short run in yesterday - around 3.2 miles, 40ish minutes. That seems to be my natural range for runs - more than that feels like I'm pushing myself and my body. I've been using the logic that I need to ease into higher mileage, but it's time to ramp it up and find a good place to run. After reading more of this Born to Run book, I'm recognizing that my neighborhood here in Texas is perfect for training. I've got everything I need to become triathlon ready - I just need to make the most of it every day. I've got a lot of actual work stuff that I've been neglecting to finish today, but tomorrow we dance: I'm aiming for 6+ miles, 50% of the half-marathon distance. Then push again for 9+, then 12+. Then I'll ramp back down to 5 milers. We're under 2 weeks away for the race, and I've promised to be social and fun on that date, so I've got a lot of work to do. For a moment there, there was a version of myself that was fun and outgoing and social after college - I'm going to recapture that spirit and create something new.

Where'd my lust for life go? I guess the stress of making money and family and this-that-and-the-other-thing. But using the eddies to transition away from smoking every day is good for me. And finding more time to have silence in my environment and in my head has been good.

1/15/2024

Coming out of the mind prison, day by day. Realizing that overstimulation from all forms of content is a true blocker. Since it's a holiday here in the States thanks to MLK, it gives me a day to digital detox (apart from writing this). Can't deny the urge to rip a couple is kicking in, but the next race is nearly here and I've been on a good streak avoiding nicotine for the last few days. On another positive note - finally found my (reasonably priced) dream car. If I lose this one, there's plenty of fish in the sea but it's a good deal. Balancing the urge/want/need for a vehicle and keeping cash on hand. Been without a car for almost a year at this point, and while working from home has made that reasonable, it hasn't been fun.

1/22/2024

I did it!! Ran the 3M Austin half-marathon. PR'd under 3 hours. Went really well, though the weather was much colder. Launch time was 7:30am, and so temperature was in the 30s at start time. But with lots of layers I was able to keep consistently warm until the last few miles. The course: started in north Austin, around Stonelake Blvd, and ended near the Capitol building. Lots of winding roads through the streets of Austin, through the University, near the Mopac on the west side at times, Shoal Creek, on and on. So many unique house designs in Austin across the different neighborhoods. I'm a sucker for midcentury modern so lots of cool examples all around. Elevation was pretty flat, many downhill sections but with very small declines. A few brutal hills towards the end but overall manageable, nowhere was bad as the trail run.

The people: tons of people from all walks of life. Old folks, teenagers, parents, social butterflies, silent warriors, costumed weirdos, all colors and nationalities, the list goes on. I love the spirit of running for this diversity alone. Lots of people in town also came out to support people alongside the track, offering food, water, electrolyte drinks, even shots. Lots of music and positive energy. I was really inspired the whole day. Short afterparty with friends afterwards too. Grateful that even though I've lived the hermit life, I was able to be part of this.

Honest truth though? 13.1 miles took a ton, I have no clue how I'm going to run a marathon someday. But I also know I'm at my worst in terms of physical fitness, so I'm excited that if I train, see doctors to baseline my stats, and keep pushing - sky's the limit.

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