The Quest #7: It's About That Time

Didn't run a single step this month. Totally embarrassing. But emotionally I feel like I've grown as a person, and I've made a lot of changes for this chapter that I think will really work going forward. Still talking into the void, but my confidence is growing in the belief that this will be something meaningful for myself and others.

January 29th, 2024 to February 29th, 2024

1/29/2024

The title for this month's chapter came into my mind like a breeze; lazily but enough presence to notice and appreciate it. Now that I've completed a half-marathon (street), my next objective is another half-marathon with better time to continue on my quest forward for the marathon.

2/5/2024

Hit the breaking point at work - the dumbass projects I keep being asked to do, the general lack of excitement, the frustration of having limited power to make real change. On the flip side, had a lovely catchup with a friend who's about to take over a business - hearing his passion and interest and excitement...it reminded me that there's more to life than a crappy job. And even if I have self-doubt about this project, hearing his story put a little heart back in mine. Still feeling that UGH!! feeling though. Gonna try lift some weights today. Been a while since I ran so it's time to select the next race. Yoga nidra has been really helping though, I must say. Getting that body awareness feeling back in my system.

2/12/2024

Superbowl was a good experience yesterday.

Man my heart isn't in the job anymore for real, I need to find a way to earn a living ASAP. Maybe just getting out of tech.

Cold AF today.

2/15/2024

The more time sober, the more anxiety I have. This is good. But man the motivation at this job is draining. The fear is starting to overload me. Lifting weights has been helping with energy management though. Watching Seven Deadly Sins on Netflix, but only when lifting. It's truly mid but good enough for background noise.

2/16/2024

Hate to admit it, need to admit it, whatever. Been on that THCA stuff for the last few weeks. It has the mildest effect but it's better than nothing. Lifting weights has been a really strong counter to the feelings that arise - namely an extreme anxiety that I honestly forgot what it felt like. But it's like whoa - now I remember why the supply felt so good because it stopped all the mental chatter and anxiety. But I'm going to keep doing this THCA way because it makes me want to consume less and less, which is great. More energy to focus on real life tasks. I was diagnosed with ADD/ADHD which makes a lot of my life make sense, but I can also admit that drowning myself in entertainment and distractions didn't help my focus levels. So getting my shit together in a lot of different dimensions is becoming really apparent, so I'm going to rely on this blog to self-express.

Finally nailed the goals I think can work for the next year or so. Wording and a few things need to be changed, but overall I've got 6 goals that feel strong. 8 felt like too many, 4 felt too short. 6 is like the number of Pokemon you can carry at a time, so I guess that's something. Doesn't it seem weird that I mentioned something like that? I like the idea of Pokemon badges too, that feels right. Who knows.

2/21/2024

Had a great weekend with old friends. Saw new parts of Texas. It's a crazy ass place, but I feel more determined than ever that I'm going to make a great life here. Just like immigrants came from overseas to America, I came from another part of America to Texas. In my head it feels just as foreign and weird as when those folks came from the Netherlands and the UK to the eastern shores of America. Even the German immigrants coming here. Hell, all motherfuckers coming from one place to another. This shit ain't easy. Respecto everyone. I'm going to integrate but bring my own self and create something new. Hopefully I'll bring my family here but also make the journey back to the old country someday.

This weekend was inspiring because it made me realize this is a pivotal moment in my life - I'm seeing clearly how much I've been unhappy in this role as time has passed and how harder I've got to push myself to reach new heights.

2/22/2024

Feels like I'm starting to 'remember' my life before I got stuck in this loop. It's my fault, don't get me wrong, but I realized that I failed to advocate for myself in this job - so I've been stuck doing more and more shit I disagree with and dislike, but I'm too far down the rabbit hole to convince my bosses otherwise. Ugh. Well at any rate, I'm going to keep going on this idea. No more holding back. Just sent for another shirt design to be printed - going with the 'swallow' logo for the first shirts. I'll figure out the rest from there. One black shirt, one green shirt maybe. No quotes on the back, just clean and a way to support the business.

2/25/2024

Feeling bummed about missing some family events but feeling like a sea change is around the corner. Going to really commit to this as my own forward. I've forgotten that I gave up trying a long time ago.

Food

Had an idea for a food section - trying to make something super easy and vegetarian every week. Post it here, refine the recipe and add it to SenDex.

Some other ideas - a ?? Section - a picture in the real world of the sendo logo, hidden somewhere in a park in Austin. so the adventure is whoever finds it can get a prize from me. A 'town map' section that'll be expanded into a standalone page eventually. Mailbox/Q&A once we actually get an audience. Nature Boy - highlighting a national park or a beautiful nature area somewhere in Texas.

2/26/2024

Saw the Bob Marley movie yesterday: One Love. Incredible film. Mega inspired.

Helped get me closer on ideas for this, too. New sections: Gym, Kitchen, Workshop. Renaming Log to Field Notes maybe. Map will be part of Data to start, then expanded into standalone page.

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