Sendō means "the way of the hermit" in Japanese.

This is a blog where I post monthly updates on:

Uh, why? And what?

Well, where some folks used lockdowns to improve their lives, I did the opposite. Stayed in an unfulfilling job, stopped socializing with anyone and inhaled Honey Backwoods like a demon. Four years later I reached my final form: deadbeat.

I could say the pandemic lead me to self-destructive behaviors but I had been praying for years to stay indoors forever. No more long commutes to work, weddings of distant cousins or amateur DJ sets of kids from high school.

When lockdowns started, I jumped into the deep end.

It started innocently enough - work like a dog during the day then inhale an epic backlog of media all night. I wanted it all: rewatching the classic TV shows that influenced my childhood, seeing every top-tier movie adored by critics, endless episodes of premiere television.

I saw the heights of imagination through every creative medium. When I exhausted fantasy there was history: human achievement and insanity in biographies, documentaries and an embarrassing amount of Wikipedia pages. Then bookmarks: from countless long-read articles to ancient stickies on long-gone forums.

It was a lot, sure, but I could leave the mental swamp whenever I wanted. And I was at the top of my game at work - excited customers, happy bosses, being the go-to guy for getting stuff done.

Nobody would know how weird it was getting.

And so, a year passed.

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Maybe three.

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The implosion began.

It started during the summer.

Sneaky pints became double-stuffed spliffs; dog walks in nature became pilgrimages to the bodega. Emails I should've responded to, meetings to schedule, projects to complete: late. Instead it was another YouTube video about the fall of Rome, rants on the Star Wars sequel trilogy, deep dives on cars I'd never buy.

Self-discipline melted away and the sirens of content took me into the depths. New shows, Steam sales, an endless web of Related Videos.

When people wanted to be social, I'd be irritable and offbeat. Even the time of day ceased to matter: I stopped eating, sleeping, and living on a normal schedule. The monotony of the outside world always felt like torture to me but eventually so did the inside world I created.

I transformed into Captain Ahab as I gorged on content: endlessly searching for it. That show, that game, that book, that article - with it I'd have the ultimate answer to what I should be doing with my life. Then I'd go on the straight and narrow.

This was a quest for the holy grail.

Sure.

But after inhaling all of the content I ever wanted for years, what was it?

A short view back to the past: as a kid I felt happiest in front of a screen or a book. I was afraid of the outside world: lil nerd, big glasses, physical consistency of a green bean. Attended several Harry Potter book premieres at Barnes & Nobles.

You get the idea.

I'd find happiness through fantasy: arcades, books, D&D sessions, gaming with online friends. Without realizing it I created a subconscious split between an everyday life that I resented and fantasy where I could be free.

I thought I grew out of it as I got older. I had a good job, great friends and a loving partner. But I didn't appreciate life and the people around me. When times got harder than I could handle, I didn't rise up to the occasion. I didn't talk it out, fight or think my way out.

Instead I ran away into my hobbit hole to be alone and entertained. I was on a roller coaster of chemical dependence but at the root was a lifelong desire for escapism.

The real world became a haze.

Years later, an epiphany.

I found it.

No special place or moment. I'd been through the cycle so many times that I felt like a zombie. First you lead, then it's alongside you, then it's dragging you along.

I realized that there would never be a temporary experience in any form that was going to fulfill me. But it took going so far up my own ass to realize that I had to confront reality in order to grow up. It was the friends we made along the way.

But knowing you have a problem and changing your life are two different things.

Cue genius idea: start a blog in 2023.

I'm not here to replace the hamster wheel of distraction with external validation. Call it internal redemption through self-expression: aim high, train hard and tell the legend.

So why those goals?

I wanted to stop running from my problems and...

There's something romantic about the hero on a quest. Getting in adventures, overcoming challenges and connecting with people from every walk of life. The pursuit of a marathon felt just like that. You don't need expensive equipment, a monthly gym membership or someone to compete against. It's just you and the trails.

I've completed several road races and events like the Tough Mudder, but reading Haruki Murakami's What I Talk About When I Talk About Running inspired me to approach the marathon. His words made running feel obtainable, distant and spiritual at the same time.

The first major milestone is completing the Austin Marathon.

It'll take endless hours of training. In fact, these are the delusions of a madman.

But if I make it...

If the insane first half of my plan works, it's time for an epic string of trail races, pushing further into long-distance running across the country. Born to Run by Christopher McDougall inspired me to go all the way and attempt the hundred mile race. Not sure where yet, maybe the Dinosaur Valley Endurance Run, the Brazos Bend 100 or the Western States 100-Mile Endurance Run.

It's a distant dream for most professional athletes, let alone a broke bozo from Brooklyn. But this entire adventure is delulu so I might as well aim for the stars.

The goal is to complete The Quest in three years (July 2023 - July 2026).

I'm terrified.

I never considered yoga until lockdowns. Trolling around on YouTube as per usual I came across Leslie Fightmaster's channel. I was amazed by her teaching style, personality and the depth of resources she provided. I started with 10 minute hatha yoga videos and life changed for the better.

Through yoga asanas, I felt graceful and limber for the first time in years. Meditation helped me understand my thoughts and feelings, while breathing exercises taught me how to stay present in every moment.

As a lifelong nerd who admired the discipline of martial artists, yoga offered me a way to cultivate that physical and mental excellence in a gentle way. Although Leslie passed away in 2022, I’m grateful for the introduction to yoga through her. While my goal is to run epic races, yoga is the real quest.

Every morning I do three rounds of Wim Hof breathing exercises, 15+ minutes of meditation and 10+ minutes of yoga asanas.

Call me Schwarz Bruder. You don't want to see my ugly mug.

Here's some fun facts though:

Updates are released every month as blog posts called The Quest.

Data shows my progress on The Quest - total runs, next race, PRs and so on.

Equipment includes my fitness tracker, running shoes, workout apps and more.

Map lays out my training routes in town.

Party brings us together on this crazy adventure.

SenDex includes everything I've learned in The Quest so far.

Subscribe to get an email when new issues of The Quest are released.

Email me with questions, comments or confessions.