The Quest

The Quest #1: Out of the Backwoods, Into the Fire

Schwarz Bruder

07 Aug 2023 — 19 min read

Update: July 2024

The spirit behind Sendō was to evolve from deadbeat to actual human but the first year of this project just confirms that I was a total mess. But there's hope: through self-reflection, therapy and a couple more breakdowns, I came up with seven goals to give myself a purpose in life. Stay tuned to see if it worked. Maybe it can help you too.

P.S. - This becomes coherent around Chapter #13. Just so you know.

The Quest #1

July 3rd, 2023 - July 31st, 2023

N/A

N/A

July 3rd, 2023

Good yoga practice this morning. Only 12 minutes so nothing crazy, but I got the job done. This is the first of many sessions this month, so I'm excited to knock the cobwebs out of my spine. Let's do it!!

-- [Later in the day]

Unsure how this will all go. But, it's almost noon and I haven't smoked yet. I'm no hero, I plan to, but I'm going to use the mornings and be useful.

July 5th, 2023

Gardening has been in helping me stay focused on good things. And I've come up with this mantra: "relentless training, effortless action." And I've got a tradeoff for my bad behavior: 10 pushups for every smoke. I've been doing it for the last week, so it's been adding up!

The kettlebells are back out. We're building a road to heaven, one curl at a time. 35s and 45s should be enough to build up some muscle. I'm doing pushups in between smokes but maybe I should create a structured training plan for myself with kettlebells. 5x5 style workout at least - bench, squat, deadlift, overhead press, lat raises. A variation of this. Still need to find a good protein shake option that's vegetarian as well.

I bought a Texas Lilac bush at the Mueller Farmer's Market. I've moved it into a large outdoor pot with fresh soil and it'll go in the ground once it builds up strength. Not to brag but I've also got an orange tree sapling that I've been working on; might need to live indoors for a little bit so it doesn't get totally roasted in the Texas sun. Though we've had heavy rain over the last few days so I want to take advantage of the free water.

More plant updates? Ok, sure.

Inside the home I want at least one big plant (banana tree maybe?) and a vining plant. A money tree too. Nothing too fancy, just some nature inside the house.

As a kid we had plants all over the house so it feels nice to recreate that in my own home.

I have some spearmint that's been growing great in an outdoor container, but I wanted to experiment with different strains and find one that I really loved. I had some incredible mint tea in Morocco so I've been looking to recreate that flavor. It'll take a long ass time of course but gardening projects make me happy.

Nervous that I'm circling the drain at work. I mean, I know I am. So I'll need to kick butt at a high level soon and I've got to move on to something better. I need Sendō more than ever.

Keep training!!

July 6th, 2023

Did a 12 minute yoga practice today. The night before, I did a 7 minute workout, which is great - I think it's hitting different muscle groups and the exercises are more explosive movements. Now here's the big goal: I want to do at least one 20+ minute yoga session this month. Ideally even a 30+ minute session.

Pushups have helped build up a little definition, but I know adding the 7 minutes workouts will help. Cross-training should help make my yoga sessions easier. The only piece of the puzzle to sort out is a vegetarian protein/nutrient shake to drink every day. The last one I got from Amazon tasted like total ass. But I wonder if I'm vegetarian should I even bother with the shakes? Am I just loading myself up with different types of gross chemicals? You know, apart from the tobacco.

July 7th, 2023

I did yoga yesterday morning, but I wanted to just log here - the 10 pushups I've been doing before each smoke really has made a huge difference. Each sun salutation is so much easier, and I'm building back that 'comfortable-in-skin' feeling.

July 9th, 2023

Ran out of supply yesterday. Clarity sets in pretty quickly.

It's so damn hot I can't even workout in the backyard, but at least with the yoga, 7 Minutes, and a few rounds of pushups every day, I can make some progress on being a little more healthy.

I'm starting to remember the feeling of a good, hard workout - that deep exhausted feeling feels like getting stoned. I think a lot of research shows that this is generally true - there's the runner's high and just the primal satisfaction and exhaustion of real physical work. Peak first world problems.

Conquering this addiction involves getting past the chemical cravings and the ritual of the entire process. I keep trying to remember the mantra: "Relentless training, effortless action". But one thing I can't stop thinking about - what the hell do I do with all this time?

Yoga has changed how comfortable I feel in my own body, meditation has changed how I feel inside my head, and now the game is uniting the two.

I tried drinking some wine last night when I ran out of the supply. I recognized in the moment that I was just looking for any way to alter my mind, even in the slightest. If I'm being real, I love that "loss of self" or "sensation" the moment you have a few sips. At least, I used to. The wine just tasted gross, I felt pathetic and ended up pouring half of the glass down the sink. I guess I'm kind of relived that I don't have the alcohol tendencies, but honestly if I was born a hundred years ago and lived the same life with no other options to escape, would I be? Probably...

I'm still struggling with the urge to run away from all of my problems, but at least I have a mechanism that helps me move forward.

So here's where I'm at. No runs this month yet but I've been doing lots of bike rides and walking the dog every day. Going to keep the mantra on repeat in my mind = "relentless training, effortless action". And I mean that from the yogic perspective - my ultimate goal is to balance my mind, and it requires constant awareness and attention to stop the waves of the mind. So sitting in silence is training. Writing like this is training. Spending time with people, being kind, working hard, listening - all of these things are the training that I need and must focus on. The supply takes away pain but it took my fire too.

I had a cup of cold brew coffee today while out running errands, first cup of coffee in a long time. I felt energized on another level. Sure, I'm productive, and this was the tool I used to get a lot of shit done in the past, but it's just another substance I need to manage my relationship with. I need to stay mindful about staying right in the middle.

What happened to you, bud? Or was this always under the surface?

July 10th, 2023

15 minutes yoga practice this morning! It ain't much, but it's honest work. Sun salutations are easier than ever thanks to the mountain of pushups I've been doing each day. I know I need to dial back on the pushups so I don't end up with any kind of rotator cuff tear or something, but it's had a good effect.

That's one of my favorite parts of yoga, each day I practice I can try to hold the pose in the best way and identify all the little muscles that are being activated. It's cool! Going to hold the course, hopefully one or two more 15 minute sessions this week, and if I'm being badass, go for 18.

Anyway, the poses I used to like the least were the Triangle poses. Something about that set of sequences hasn't been fun for me, but I'm learning to love the pose and push myself. I really do want to master every step of the entire primary series. Every yoga posture has helped to connect my mind and body.

July 12th, 2023

In the last few days, I've been refining my new system. I've done 4 rounds of the 7 Minute Workout, and it's really helped fill in my training gaps. I'm thinking I should aim for 3 rounds a week. If I'm doing yoga 3-4 a week as well, and lifting every few days, that should be solid. Cardio wise, I ride my bicycle every day typically, and I've been drinking Ensure every day to boost my caloric intake and rebuild muscle. Optimistic that if I maintain this regiment, by the end of the first quarter of this project I'll be much stronger.

Apart from physical training, gardening has also been good. Been taking care of my beautiful orange tree, only had it for like a month but I'm looking forward to building our relationship over the next few years. Ideally I'll add a lemon and a lime tree to my citrus grove. Too damn hot here in Austin to feel good planting it in the ground anytime soon though.

Walking around the neighborhood in the morning with the dog is always good too, and it's been great inspiration for my gardening projects. People have so much creativity in how they design the exterior of their homes, from the plants to the walls, solar lights, concrete finishings, stencils, so many cool details. I'm still struggling with the sober part but I have more energy and I'm interested more in what I can do in the external world. Like I don't care about cool cars or things like that to the same degree I do, instead I look at the world as a big school, and I'm doing everything I can do keep learning and pushing and keeping away from bad behaviors.

July 14th, 2023

Weightlifting does help close the gaps in my day. Every time I get a good pump in, I feel like I'm awakening a beast inside but through yoga and discipline, I have a better understanding of how to control my body. I'm excited for the next steps, I used to be really good at lifting heavy weights, but now I have a deeper understanding of my body and feel that I can push to even greater heights. Starting small but here's my 5x5 kettlebell workout I did today. My entire workout equipment setup is two 20 pound kettlebells, two 35-pound kettlebells, and one 45-pound kettlebell. But I figured, get good at these weights and slowly spend a little money to even out the equipment selection.

Overhead Press (sets of 10) - 20/20/20/20/20
Bench (sets of 5+) - 35/35/35/35/35
Bent Over Rows (sets of 10) - 20/20/20/20/20
Triceps Behind-the-head raise thing (sets of 10) - 20/35/35/35/35
Curls for the girls (sets of 20, alternating arms) - 20/20/20/20/20

So that was good. This is the 3rd or 4th lift session I've had this month, but the first one I've logged like this. Let's make it habit.

Unrelated, but went to the garden store and picked up two mint plants, rosemary and lavender. I was going to get another citrus tree, but they didn't have any oranges, lime or lemon trees. They did have grapefruit but how much grapefruit am I really gonna be out here eating? But the grow operation continues!!

July 17th, 2023

Got a few more lifting workouts in. Haven't done a run this month yet but at least getting some cycling in every day. Having some doubts about the G Shock GBD-H2000 as my training watch as it appears not to export to Apple Health or even .CSV files, so it'll be hard to consistently gather data. But I like it because it reminds me of a Pip-Boy 3000, and also all of the data it does gather is useful and essentially what I need. But I'm not feeling the Apple Watch as a daily and the WHOOP always running is not appealing. So I may go for the GBD once this is ready for launch and figure out the best way to represent data here.

Garden's coming together - got a small lemon sapling now to repot, then ideally it and the orange tree should have some yield in like two years. Also got some lavender, rosemary and mint going. Always wanted to design a system that could automatically measure moisture levels and track growth. Still on the backburner deep down. Got to get these plants going first. Once these productive plants are in a good state, I want to redesign the back and front yards of my home. Walking around the neighborhood, looking at boutique hotels and rich people homes, you get a sense of what makes something truly feel beautiful. So the plants that'll go around the perimeter are key, it's a delicate arrangement of what gives the space volume and depth but also doesn't feel too crowded. We've all got that neighbor with the crazy yard - so restraint really is the key.

July 18th, 2023

I haven't done any FI/RE updates this month. Truth is, I haven't done anything financially smart lately. Bought a Roomba, a ton of pots and plants that I hope live and have been wasting money on...just everything. I think I get overwhelmed with how far I have to climb, so I get discouraged. I want to buy a car - but these days that's at least $35K for a newer car with low miles, but before then I want to pay off credit cards, build up a nest egg, put aside money for a new A/C unit, the list goes on. And then there's the student loans. It's such a frustrating system I guess, but I know if I control myself, maybe I can just exist in the system enough to give myself another chance at life. Been reading St. Francis of Assisi's Wikipedia page again and I'm inspired to live as low-cost as possible so I can focus on the bigger picture.

First day without the supply in this new era. I wish I could say I had some courageous moment where I threw it all away but I just ran out. Fun way to know if if you've hit rock bottom: I picked up all the butts I had tossed in the backyard to scrap out any supply that remained. They look like little turds and smell even worse. It's that heavy, gross smell of burnt tobacco, ancestral disappointment and whatever weirdness is loaded into every Backwoods. So here I am.

Here's how I'm feeling: deep in the mind, I feel angry. Or irritable I guess is how I feel. I also noticed how quiet everything is when I don't have some random YouTube video blaring while I'm half-conscious, sweating to death on the patio while it's 100+ degrees outside. The joints don't even last that long when it's that hot - I feel like they burn up quick, and I'm back where I started.

But anyway - that was then, this is now. I just feel so blah about everything. I'm going to try live with this feeling as long as I can. A lot of it is ritual and routine, that's for sure. I'm looking for wonderful things that give me joy, but even more importantly - learning how to just be, without any drugs or alcohol or music or distractions - just being in the purest sense of the word. Let's keep trying. Got a lot work to do and I'll try go for a bike ride after that. A benefit of being sober - you ain't got shit to do but do the shit you need to do. So I'm going to at least try to listen to some house music in my AirPods while I try to bang out some meaningful work items.

July 19th, 2023

Man, I forget how much free time you have when you're not using. There's so much time in the day, and so much space to think. It's overwhelming in some ways. I've been working on the "About" page and it's been good to think through everything that's happened in the last four years. Ultimately I just have been afraid of what's next, and the safest place I could run to was inside my own mind. Now that I'm trying to confront the world again I'm seeing how deep those feelings really run. The supply really did make all of my problems disappear - both short term and long term. It's like your spirit leaves your body and you're in bliss but then you come back to your body and you realize how much it aches and pains, and how hard you've got to work inside this body to achieve what you want. So with all the extra time I've been reading more, clarity is very strong, and feeling that good kind of 'empty' feeling. I can't deny that I also have a dying urge to get that immediate peace of mind. Just gonna deal with the suck and figure out new ways to feel good. Figuring out the right way to live clean. Been enjoying a lot of my plant life, hopefully in a month+ I can harvest the mint I've been growing and enjoy some banger tea.

Ugh. Well, I'm proud. Made it to after my 5pm meditation. Totally clean day. But here's where the mental bargaining has started up again in my head. Every time I go through this cycle that the urge just gets stronger to stronger and I break edge. So I'm thinking - if it's 5pm that's 5-6 more awake hours. There's got to be something meaningful I can do in those hours instead of getting back on the wagon. The quiet stretches have been painful, like I always forget how much time exists in a day. Eventually this weird time thing will go away again. The desire to use is strong. I do keep thinking - well this time you really know how to control it. So go for it. But is that true? I don't know. I've got to think opposite thoughts and find some useful shit to do. Been getting back into weightlifting, and it's been helping to physically write down each workout in my notebook. If I can just keep up the momentum and keep drinking my health shakes, power should start to come back.

I took a nice hot shower, did some more thinking, but that little urge whispered in. It's getting late, so even if I do use, it'll be 12am to 2am, so the window is pretty small. If I reign it in until 5pm the following day, that would be huge. And then on top of that, if I stay clean until after 2pm, even 5pm on Friday - this would be massive. Of course, best of all is to never even go down the road of misguided intentions.

Well, putting that aside - ordered the new G-Shock to really get serious about my training again. Also realized when I'm sober, much less YouTube.

He never responded, so I never got the supply. Instead, I watched some TV, played some SMT:V, walked the dog once it cooled down here in Texas, and had some sleepy time tea. Read 'Salem's Lot by Stephen King and drifted off into sleep (haven't gotten to the spooky stuff yet, still in the early chapters). I feel good that I made it another day, but I am ashamed that I broke after just a day. I can't deny that I'm thinking in my head, "Just be good until Friday night, then you can go crazy..." but that's dumb. Because it affects my present and my future with that mindset, so instead I'm thinking opposite thoughts and focusing on this project. I need to seriously level up in life, and I know regardless of the outcome of this project, it's going to make me stronger.

July 20th, 2023

Another day from start to finish, clean. The clarity is overwhelming. Meditation and mindfulness have truly changed my life. The challenge for me is that I feel like I'm powerful and in control and that I can handle it this time. The thing with drugs or alcohol is that for me - it brings me lower. It brings me to the baser instincts. I really feel it. Whenever I smoke - I just do nothing and watch YouTube videos all day. Like I said before, it takes you out of your body. So when I stop smoking, emotions come back. I don't want to give up, but I also want to feel that immediate goodness. I recognize that my self-control has weakened so much that I don't think I can have these substances around me and only do it after work or on the weekends. More reflection and more action is needed. Ugh.

I can say this - whatever Sendō is going to be, this is where I need to put my energy. 10 years of focused effort is what I'm signing myself up for, and I'm going to let the project evolve as it needs. There's nothing else to do I guess, so I might as well go hard. So much free time to just be. And that being is scary. I guess I used the supply to be a gateway to escape my body, and the 24/7 entertainment kept me from being. So now I'm trying not to distract myself with YouTube or games or even books - I read and absorb but I don't let it become everything.

July 21st, 2023

I failed. I used again. I bought after dinner and smoked until around midnight. I feel ashamed, I feel weak. I feel immediate pleasure and relief. I'm going to take it day by day. This is where discipline comes in again.

Outside of that, I've been enjoying reading 'Salem's Lot in the mornings, and I'll keep finding new ways to give myself healthy joy. Taking care of my plants has been really rewarding. The orange tree is growing well, and the two mint plants, the rosemary, lavender - all coming together. I still need to create a proper outdoor setup for the plants but so far so good. I had this Texas Lilac bush that really suffered with the extreme heat - debating where to put it so it doesn't get cooked by the sun. For now it'll sit as close to the house as possible. Could look cute in the front.

July 24th, 2023

The thrill wears off. Back to semi lucidity no matter how hard I try. It eventually ends. You watch all the YouTube videos. You scroll down every website. It never fills that feeling. It's almost like I wish I could inhale the entire planet or something like that, you know?

So what's new? Plants have grown. Been keeping up with the yoga. Got a 7 Minutes workout in. Problem is when it comes to weightlifting, I don't have enough strength in my body to do it. Like gravity is affecting me so much I can barely stand.

July 26th, 2023

Made edits to this first chapter. Crazy that I'm this close to launch. Just going to work on what I can and keep pushing. Been using again, which is why the updates have slowed. I'm ashamed but I'm proud that I've been working on this at least. Made some good strides on some long-standing work projects as well.

July 31st, 2023

Been a few days but got a good lift and 2 good bike rides in. Still haven't run at all this entire month, but it's been so dang hot during the day that my motivation is zero. But biking feels great. One of my dreams is to complete a triathlon some day, so I've been biking with the goal of doing 25 miles in one stretch. The last two rides were 3.8 miles and 5.8 miles respectively. I've been moving around my exercise schedule a bit, and started writing it on my whiteboard.

As long as I keep up the momentum of good exercise, my need to use continues to weaken. I've been still smoking, but not as much each day, and just as important - less time stuck in the YouTube and Instagram algorithms. Less noise and music each day too - I'm letting the silence permeate through. Salem's Lot by Stephen King has been great, about 50% through it. His writing really is incredible.

Yoga wise, I've been on a good run as well. The 12 minute sessions I try to avoid now, it's just the bare minimum. Got to fight that laziness and make the 15 minute session my new minimum. My awareness and focus definitely increases when I get longer yoga sessions in, it 'trains' my body to stay in a focused state when I need it.

Today's the last day before I publish this whole thing and get serious. Still lots to fix, but I'm feeling ready to just release #1 and just keep pushing. I really don't care if anyone reads it at this stage - I have a long-term vision but right now I know it starts with being consistent just for myself. Here's to getting this done.

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