The Quest #9: LIVE

April 9th, 2024 to May 26th, 2024

We're doing it live. I've been daydreaming and thinking of this idea for the last two years. I have even less confidence that this could work but I've got nothing else left. It's sink or swim. The private button has been toggled off, though I'm still not going to promote this until it feels right.

Running-wise - only 1 run for this chapter. But I've been on fire with the yoga - Down Dog Yoga has a May 'Challenge' in which you have to practice yoga everyday, so that's been forcing me to stay consistent. Started with 10 minute sessions, up to 15 minutes a day.

Weightlifting-wise - I've been keeping up with the kettlebells but I haven't officially started chasing Goal #4. But it's been great to just lift - an hour with the kettlebells a few days each week is enough to get back in the game. Like everything, it's about not letting the fire die out.

Next race if I can swing it - River's Edge on May 25th, hosted by the goats at Tejas Trails. Looking back on my race times, they've been shit. 12 minute miles is JV league. So if I'm going to do this race, and at least the 10-miler, getting under 10 minute miles consistently is key. And then actually being decent beyond that would be a good start.

But enough self-hate - thanks for being here. Don't give up on me yet.

Long story short: I became a stay-at-home deadbeat because life got too hard for an emotionally unstable yuppie. Now I'm trying to redeem myself by running a lot and talking about it. Hopefully you find this entertaining enough to subscribe, buy merch and follow your own Quest.

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April 9th, 2024

Man...I'm so happy I did that last race. And honestly there's been a few developments that have been helping me actually change: lifting weights, therapy, and deciding that I'm in control of my life and that I will commit to living a life I want.

April 10th, 2024

The hardest part of sobriety is how to handle all of the time and clarity you have. I'm also looking at how gross my body has become from years of neglect. But the positive is that turning my life around is the purpose of this blog, so at least I've got marching orders.

Got my first Ford car - it actually is really fun to drive but man it isn't built that nice. I'm not talking about sound-deadening or the smoothness of the transmission - it's just the interior fit and finish feels kind of cheap. I don't know if I 'd buy another Ford product after this unless it was for a work fleet. No disrespect to the Big Oval, and I dig the Ford Lightning, but I think this will be my last Ford for a while. Great experience though - fun car, just not 'nice'. I just need more refinement. Out of myself, too though, so I can't judge.

April 12th, 2024

Eclipse: it was pretty cloudy in our part of Austin but I got a glimpse, and the entire sky went dark, so that was epic. Writing this on Friday, been clean for a few days. It's such an awful feeling physically and the cravings are there, and to be honest I did almost break edge and text the dealer. But being in nature as much as possible, spending time with people, exercising - it's been helping. And the clarity is uncomfortable but it's getting easier to handle. I think of The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis in moments like this - when the characters of that story are transported from purgatory to heaven, it's a nightmare transition. Every step, every breath, every action is painful. Like being weighed down by a million times gravity. Everyone's immediate instinct is to run away back to purgatory. But they're encouraged by the beings of heaven to be patient, endure the pain, and slowly acclimate to the new world. There's a method, there's instructions, and there's guidance - but of course easier to run away and go back to what you know. I can't deny that it sucks being in this state right now. But I'm putting faith in the big picture that I can get through these withdrawals and that I can find new ways to exist and be happy.

April 18th, 2024

Lifting weights using kettlebells in the evening time while watching TV has been helpful. And as always, meditation and breathwork help clear the head. I enjoy my morning routine - do the thing, walk the dog, then come back and work. Still not hitting 10,000 steps a day consistently but warming up to it.

The Map idea is really coming together. Not totally sure about the finer details but I've got an idea that works. The entirety of Sendō is frankly insane but somehow it's feeling more sensible each day. As part of Map, I need to find cool running routes throughout the city - I think that'll be a fun project this weekend. The goal is at least 8, and I've got to figure out some technical aspects to it but I want people to feel like they can be part of this.

April 19th, 2024

Started off the day feeling a lil weird and low energy. But the weather is crap today, so that could have a hand in it. Spending the day at a coffeeshop. It really is a beautiful thing when you have a coffeehouse/bar that's really moving and you have locals and friendly folks coming and going. I don't want to give away my current favorite spot, but it's nice to find those places in town. There's a bar at the coffeeshop where I guess particular locals come and work, so they have more of an intimate relationship with the baristas. I'm the sort that's posted up in the back corner but I'm seeing how community is built on the front lines, too.

You know, I don't know if this is the venue for it, but this is a general blog so I'm going to think through this stuff until this gets read by other people. So I've always thought - how much would it be to lease a building and run a coffeeshop or something? Now for me, I know that it's not the way that I would make money initially, I still believe in going digital, but there's a time where I'll have to consider this stuff.

There's a place in Austin called the St. Elmo Arts District, which is really a section of the city that a few developers have decided to make a run on. Nothing new, but seeing it in Austin where it's slowly happening versus New York or a big city where everything's more 'set-in-stone' - I can see how it's done a bit better. I just don't understand the complexity of dealing with the city to get certain roads built, more bike lanes, loans for construction, different types of property, obtaining raw materials and glass, etc. to build bigger projects. I feel like I'm in No Man's Sky flying around in my little starfighter while I'm watching freighters and giant organizations come together. Point is, I'll have to confront this stuff if I'm going to live the life of my dreams, I've got grow beyond myself.

April 22nd, 2024

Saw Civil War at/on/in IMAX. Great movie. I'm not rating the story on the realism of the exact scenario that lead to the war in this movie, because that's not the point of the story. To me it's about desensitization to violence, the stages of a career and how these moments keep repeating throughout history. It was the classic 'one last ride' type of story, or really the 'apocalypse now' story, with each of the main characters representing someone at a different stage in their career, going on a trip they might not come back from.

I think that the reason they made the Western Forces include Texas and California was to show that it wasn't necessarily 'left' versus 'right' - it's about power versus power, or violence versus violence. We see that multiple times in the film to make this point clear - you're not sure which side is which, because both sides look like normal people with guns or they've got military fatigues to appear as what we consider the 'good guys' in this era. It was beautiful in that it showed the true futility and inevitability of violence. We're drawn to it until we become old and wise enough to leave to the farm. It's not running away - it's the maturity to walk away from an endless cycle of violence. The use of sound was very powerful during the movie too - each time a gun fires in a scene - it has meaning and consequence. It's the first movie in a long time, if ever, where I recognized how dangerous and scary a gun is. How disturbing firefights are, and the casualness with which people handle violence.

April 23rd, 2024

Working on the map feature more this month - feels pretty good. I think the Side Quest idea is going to be a hit. Been taking days off of work lately though - it's hard to keep pretending. But I can feel in my bones that it's all coming down to the wire. Either this needs to work or I have to find something else in my life otherwise I'm going to crash and burn, very unspectacularly. Listening to Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd while at a coffeeshop grinding away though - that's fun! The Wall was my favorite as a kid but this one's growing on me again. I have to admit I struggled to vibe with anything after Division Bell (including Division Bell) but here I am, enjoying the ride.

April 29th, 2024

Man, I'm so awkward at parties. Turns out being blasted 99% of the time, even if you try to quit the day of big social events, doesn't help your social skills at all. The rhythm in my brain just feels off - and it feels hard to get up to the same speed as folks and exist coherently. But the training and stuff is helping wake up my brain more and more, but yeah it was another embarrassing weekend. The feeling of bliss and calmness doesn't even feel so great anymore. I tried to keep thinking over the weekend - I was somebody before this and I can be someone after this too. The only way I can be a light to others is if I walk away from now and figure out the right ways to move forward. Overall it seems like staying busy is the way to win, and eventually I'll forget the easiness of instant bliss. And even though I was awkward at hell at this party, I have to live in the real world as much as possible.

May 6th, 2024

Again, another month where I didn't run a single step, but I've been lifting weights and taking this project a bit more seriously. A few days ago I saw a performance by City Theater in Austin. It truly inspired me. This is going to come out awkward, but here goes. I was humbled and amazed by the power of the local theater. The cast was about 10 people, the audience was slightly bigger, but these folks performed at 120%. The lines were in Old English, so truly stilted and awkward. But they read them effortlessly like they were remembering a great conversation with a friend. In an old church in Mueller I watched people of all ages and skill levels come together to entertain folks, push themselves mentally and creatively, and just do the damn thing. My writing is shit, but I'm writing. But what's even more courageous is taking these incomplete works into the battlefield of the real world and living with the consequences and pushing myself to be better. In the past I've considered myself an artist, but especially since getting in a comfy yet boring job, I've lost that risk taking, weird creative spirit that got me here in the first place. It's not about job titles or working at so-and-so company. Of course money is amazing and love it, but it's the craft, man. Watching this local theater company reminded me that's there's a craft to pursue. Still need to be a little rich though, not gonna lie.

I've been loving Audio, Video, Disco by Justice as a good focus album. It's got this futuristic medieval 70s vibe to it. You ever just endlessly daydream trailers for movies you've made up in your head? This album's got the songs for that in spades.

May 10th, 2024

Been cooking on this one for a while but I've made a ton of quality-of-life improvements to the project this month. New sections for the chapter, a better layout of the site, editing, the 'side quest' idea I've been working on is I think going to be the main way that people interact with this platform to start.

May 14th, 2024

Maybe this sounds stupid to say, but I think I'm realizing how unhappy I've been in my life over the last few years because I've been afraid to be honest, because I'm afraid of what comes next. And I think I should hate myself in a lot of ways, but I also have to give myself 'grace' and recognize that I was just a kid until recently, and I didn't learn important things until I went through the failures myself. So here I am, after four years of running away, still in the same place. Still broke, still unhappy, still waiting for that right chance. Still not pursuing creative endeavors. I've made a lot of progress with this idea, and I've opened up to others about some aspects of what I'm planning, but at the same time I feel so stupid about so many of the choices I've made in my life and I just want to give up. But that just causes pain for those around us. That's the most important 'information' I got from mushrooms - the first was to quit using 24/7 and the second was that you have to live, no matter how much you want to run away. I ran away mentally for the last four years. Way more stuff was going on than I've mentioned here, but that's a story for the tell-all in 2042. I've learned a lot out here in the mental desert but it's time to move out. That doesn't involve moving somewhere, just being present in my own body again. But if you've been sticking with us for a while, you've seen this existential dread and these words before. What the hell is wrong with me...

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